My world s t o p p e d for a few minutes.

It is little reminders like these that make me realize just how much my adoption has affected me. While it is easy to block things out of my mind and look only towards the future, the past is something that refuses to remain silent. I've got a whole lot of learning about and loving myself to do. A whole lot of understanding my past and becoming a better person from it. Maybe it's time to let my biological mother in. Lord knows I've shut her out for long enough.

Today, I realized another thing. While it may very well be time to let my mother, or at least her memories, back into my life, I need to put another set of memories aside to reflect upon on a rainy day, perhaps in a box as pictured above. While I am quite comfortable with the idea of it being him in the end, and while I can say that he to some variance, believes so as well, for right now... We are not together. So, while unpacking and finding all sorts of knick knacks from our 2 year relationship... I started to collect everything to be placed in a box. As tempted as I am to place the tokens of our relationship into a box of other freshman or sophomore memories, I think he deserves a box on his own. Perhaps I'm acting with a little foresight, for I LOVE going through memory boxes. And as wonderful as our relationship was, right now, I think the physical representations of what was and is now no longer, will be just a bit too much for me to handle. I think I'll print out that letter that I wrote to my future self, and place it in the box as well. Just for safety measures in case my hard drive breaks (again >.<) It will be a long hard journey, and I cannot be certain that I will make it to the other side completely intact. Part of me feels like he has a huge chunk of my heart and that I have a similar portion of his. I used to believe that there was no end to the amount of love that I could give and receive. But, now I'm not so sure. How on earth can I possibly enter into another relationship when I am so limited in my resources? It wouldn't be fair to anyone involved if I were in some way still waiting for him and hoping that it's him in the end.

So. I need a change of philosophy. I have said before, I am a great believer in the power of words. Here goes:

Maybe we only get one great love in our lifetime because we only love so greatly, once. Maybe.

But perhaps there is a chance to have other great loves, when and only when we stop planning and stop fretting. While I've always been a fan of that whole Love-with-all-my-heart-thing, I think in the beginning it is okay to be a little cautious. I repeat, cautious not crippled. Let not fear, worries, or feelings of inadequacy hold me down. In the end, I realize I try to be so honest with everyone in my life, that I sometimes forget to be completely honest with myself.

....

I loved him in a type of way that I didn't think existed outside of the world of Disney.

I loved him in that bike to the pharmacy and stare down the pharmacists to get medicine for him kind of way.

I loved him in that pretend I'm sleeping just so he'll snuggle closer type of way.

I loved him in that I could never stop loving him type of way.

There's simply no denying it... I loved him.

But right now? I think it's time that I start loving me. That I stop neglecting me. That I stop going through the motions and truly start living. And on that note, I'm signing off. I attended a wedding tonight and have a shoot early tomorrow morning and a show tomorrow evening. All followed by a short trip home to refresh and refuel and catch up on some quality family and friend bonding time.

My summer is just beginning. :)